Tears of Snow (Part 3)

[krystalkatzfics]

Title: Tears of snow

Author: krystalkatz
Rating: NC17
Length: chaptered
Genre: Au… angst, smut
Pairings: Matsumoto Jun/Ninomiya Kazunari,

Disclaimer: I only own the plot

"Husband?" Matsu echoed the word and Nino nodded trying to pull out of the waiters grip but Matsu refused to allow him holding him tightly against his chest. "So what were you arguing about with your friend?"
"Apparently I’ve been holding on to him too long…" Nino sighed deciding against moving, at least for now, maybe it was because he was still slightly dazed from the sex but he felt more relaxed than he had in a very long time
"When did he die?"
"Th-Three years ago…" Nino flinched at the word ‘Die’ he knew his husband was dead but he hated saying it out loud. Matsu didn’t say anything else but run his fingers gently down him naked arm, and kissing his shoulder
"What are the baths like here?" He asked after a while and Nino was surprised and he twisted his head to look at him
"That’s it? You’re not going to ask me anything else?"
"This isn’t a relationship is it?" Matsu asked slowly, "I asked for something real and you told me, if you want to tell me more that’s up to you…" Nino let out a long sigh, happy that Matsu wasn’t pushing him for information he rolled out of the waiter’s arms allowing him to get up and walked to the bathroom watching the pretty way his muscles moved under his flawless skin. "Are you joining me?" Matsu asked as he ran the water and Nino grinned jumping off the bed and running into the bathroom. For the next week they spent most of the next few days together, more time in bed than out of it and true to his word Matsu didn’t ask questions or try and turn it into a relationship just fucked him the way he wanted, after that first time he didn’t take Matsu back to his apartment, the guilt he had felt the morning after was almost too much, so they just went to the love hotel, Matsu didn’t question it and Nino suspected that he had been to grossed out by his apartment. With so much time spent wrapped in Matsu’s arms he could almost forget that Christmas was creeping ever closer, almost, it was still there in the back of his mind forcing its way out when he wasn’t expecting it mostly on the nights when Matsu was busy at the café. They were the only nights that he would go out and fuck some nameless stranger, but no matter how good it was it always left him feeling empty and unsatisfied and he was filled with more self-loathing than ever. A week after they had first met they were back in the love hotel both panting loudly after a bout of intense sex, Nino honestly wondered if he would be able to recover his breathing again. Sweat drenched their bodies and slowly Matsu pulled the reluctant and sleepy Nino into the bathroom
"The good thing about love hotels is there’s lube in every room" Nino smiled looking at the little packets in the metal case on the wall. Matsu nodded and pulled him down into the bath and slowly started washing his back
"You’re really thin… I can see your spine" He mumbled as he rubbed the soap in gently, Nino sighed closing his eyes, loving the feel of Matsu’s fingers moving over his skin "You know if don’t eat more nobody is going to want to fuck you anymore…"
"There will always be someone that will want a free fuck" Nino shrugged
"I guess… But you make yourself sound like an unpaid whore"
"That’s what I am… I’ll sleep with anyone that can make me forget…" He stopped looking at his hands that were going slightly wrinkled under the water, unable to understand why he felt guilty for saying that to Matsu. The waiter’s hands stopped on his back
"Do you get checked?" He asked "If you’re sleeping around do you get tested regularly?" he asked sounding more concerned than angry, though it seemed like he realised that and quickly added a harsher edge to his voice as he asked "Should I get tested?"
"You should get tested anyway" Nino mumbled "But no matter what Aiba says it isn’t my intention to die from an STD, you’re the only guy I’ve let fuck me without a condom since Satoshi…" he blinked when he realised he had said his name out loud, he hadn’t said that since the funeral.
"Your husband?" Matsu confirmed his hands moving again. Nino nodded slowly squeezing his eyes shut "How did you meet?"
"We were working in a hotel in Scotland together" Nino whispered his voice shaking, Matsu didn’t try to encourage him but just continued to wash his back and arms "He was running away from his parents and I was trying to get away from a clingy ex-boyfriend… He proposed at Gretna Green and before we came back we got married"
"What happened to him?" Matsu asked softly twisting him around so they were facing each other, Nino didn’t answer for a long time watching the sweat and water run down Matsu’s body until shaking slightly he finally opened the flood gates unable to stop himself from telling him.
"When we came back to Japan, he got a job working in a hotel chain, while I went to college to study hotel management, our dream was to one day open our own hotel near the sea and grow old together. The only problem was he was a floater he could just be moved from one hotel to another sometimes for just a few days sometimes for months, but because of my course I had to stay stationary in our apartment. Two years after we had gotten married he was working away, he had been working away for about four months, there was only one or two weekend visits and I’d had enough of it, I was so lonely… I told him if he didn’t come home for Christmas I was leaving him…" Nino looked at the bubbles that were nearly all gone, "Christmas day came and there wasn’t any sign of him so I pulled all my clothes out of the wardrobe not even caring that I threw his on the floor… I packed my bag and was about to leave when Sho-chan… Aiba’s boyfriend, turned up and told me that they had found a body. They said it could be Satoshi, but they weren’t sure… He was lying of course, he knew it was Satoshi but he couldn’t say that… Christmas day I had to go and identify the body of the only person whoever loved me… He had been coming home when he slipped on a patch of black ice, the driver didn’t see him until it was too late…" hot tears rolled down his cheek landing in the water causing little ripples
"So you’re blaming yourself?"
"Of course, it was my fault… If I didn’t act like a complete brat…"
"Maybe" Matsu agreed nodding as he soaped Nino almost skeletal chest, Nino felt his heart stop as he stared at him, normally at that point people told him that it wasn’t his fault, but Matsu was agreeing with him. The waiter’s hands kept moving but he stared fixed at Nino who was trying to read the emotions that were churning in his eyes "Or maybe not… Maybe he would still have died, maybe it was just his time… or it could be just like you think it is and if you hadn’t bitched and whined to him maybe he would still be alive… But the thing is Kazu, no matter how much you punish and blame yourself now, at the end of the day he will still be dead and you will have to face that"
"I d-do…"
"No, you’re trying to run away from it… You said so yourself, ‘You’ll sleep with anyone that will help you forget’ and your apartment is still the same as it was that morning three years ago… You’re still waiting for him to come back… But the truth is Kazu he’s never going to come back… He’s dead…" Nino blinked more tears than ever spilling down his cheeks, Matsu hadn’t shouted it but said it calmly as if forcing it to sink in, he wasn’t the first person to have said it but ,for some reason, coming from Matsu it hit home. He slapped Matsu’s hands away and pulled himself out of the bath water spilling out on to the cheesy rose pink floor,
"What the fuck do you know about it?! You don’t even know him…" He snapped grabbing his clothes and not even waiting to get dry before pulling his clothes on and storming out of the room. He made his way home more by instinct than actually looking the tears were in his eyes and to his horror they weren’t all because of Ohno. He stumbled into his apartment ignoring the neighbour he threw himself onto the couch hugging himself as he repeated what Matsu had said over and over knowing it was truth. But he couldn’t just let Ohno go, he tried to sleep, but his brain wouldn’t switch off and in the end he just stared up at the ceiling remembering Ohno but at some point Ohno’s face morphed into Matsu’s. He was almost glad when the light came in through window and he had to drag himself to work. When he passed the café he saw Matsu opening up, and he was shocked to see that his eyes were red rimmed. They looked at each other for a few minutes before Nino moved away trying to push away the sensation that was in his chest. His work dragged and he had to bite his tongue a few times to stop himself from losing another job, he was already having difficulty keeping the apartment going with his wages. When his day finished he gladly left, sick of his co-workers babbling on about Christmas and what they were going to be doing. He stuffed his hands in his pockets quickly walking to his apartment. He was only a few feet away when a voice shouted
"Oi fag…" Nino turned swearing as he saw a group of four guys staring at him, he recognised his neighbour just as the first fist connected to his face, smashing his jaw, a few seconds later another was slammed into his ribs knocking him into the slushy snow, he choked blood coming out of his mouth as a foot hit his stomach. He wasn’t sure how long it lasted, and a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have minded dying thinking that he would be able to see Ohno again, but now he wanted to be able to see Matsu at least once again. There were the sounds of movement and the guys stopped taking it in turns to spit at him before running away. Nino groaned stumbling to his feet, he wasn’t sure where his feet were heading until he saw the soft glowing lights of the café, Matsu had the morning shift but he hoped that he would be there. When he reached the door he saw the sign saying ‘closed’ and Nino sagged to the floor hugging his knees tears came to his eyes but like always they didn’t fall just stung painfully in his eyes. Snow started falling clinging to his hair and face, without realising he was there he felt someone wrap a black coat around his shoulders,
"What the hell happened?" Matsu asked gently stroking the bruise on his cheek
"I deserved it… Just like I deserve everything else… I’m a horrible person…"
"Come on…"
"Not my apartment…" Nino said jumping quickly and flinching when pain flooded into him
"You can stay with me for a few days…" Matsu said as he helped him slowly to his feet. After everything that had happened the day before it felt a bit strange that he went with Matsu so easily. The waiter led him to a snow covered bench and sat him down before pulling out phone and ordering a taxi. While they waited Nino watched the snow falling around them, not knowing how to break the silence that had settled around them, Matsu didn’t try to either just hovered close until the taxi pulled up. Matsu gave his address and they pulled away, Nino closed his eyes resting his head on Matsu’s shoulder, giving a tired
"Go to sleep I’ll wake you when we get there" Matsu told him and Nino immediately did as he was told falling into an empty sleep. When he woke he was on a sofa and he wasn’t sure how Matsu had managed to get him into an apartment without waking him. Matsu was in the kitchen filling an ice bag and a bowl of water. Nino groaned lightly sitting up as the waiter came back into the living room
"So what happened?" Matsu asked putting the ice pack on his face, before wiping away the already drying blood with a cloth Nino sighed closing his eyes, wincing every now and then as pain flooded into his body.
"My neighbour… I guess I pushed him too far…" he admitted
"What did you do?"
"I’ve been winding him up since he moved there a year ago…" Nino closed his eyes shivering as he remembered "When I went back tonight him and some of his friends were waiting for me…"
"Fuck you should go to the police…"
"No thanks, there’s only one police officer that wouldn’t say it was my own fault for being a fag and I haven’t spoken to him for a year…" Nino sighed hissing as Matsu applied some cream to the gash on his arm, biting his lip he looked around the apartment surprised at how nice it was more so since Matsu only worked as a waiter. "Are you sure you don’t mind me being here?"
"Yeah, it’s fine… Just don’t fuck anyone while you’re staying here… While you’re staying in this apartment only I’m allowed to sleep with…"
"You’re making this sound like a relationship…" Nino sighed feeling strange that he wasn’t disturbed by that fact "But I guess with a face like this even I couldn’t convince someone to come back with me…"
"I’d still come back with you…" Matsu whispered and Nino blinked unsure if he had heard correctly. Matsu didn’t say anything else but Nino was positive there was a faint blush colouring his cheeks as he went into the kitchen to get fresh water. Nino scratched his head, this really is becoming a relationship. He decided give a short painful laugh, deciding that at least he didn’t feel guilty when he was with the waiter.
"Jun… I’m sorry for how I acted yesterday…"
"It’s okay, the truth hurts" Matsu shrugged coming back to him, Nino glared but didn’t have the will to fight him anymore. The days moved slowly and it became painfully obvious to Nino that somehow he had fallen into a real relationship, since he was to bruised and battered to do much more than snuggle on the couch and watch films or play games. It was two days after Matsu had brought him there that Nino admitted to himself that he was beginning to feel something for the waiter, it wasn’t love he told himself, at least not like the love he had for Ohno, but it felt more than the love he had for Aiba. He tried not to think about it too much, hating the way his heart ached when he did. Matsu had gone shopping and Nino decided to snoop around. His whole body still ached but he managed to shuffle into what seemed to be an almost empty room, there were a few cardboard boxes and a table, on the table was a photo frame and Nino shuffled forwards to get a better look at it. It showed two men, both with bright happy smiles on their faces and their arms wrapped around each other, they looked incredibly happy together and Nino felt his heart shattered as stared at the picture, his hands shaking, there was no doubt in his mind that it was Ohno and Matsu but why did they have their arms wrapped around each other, the ring that was on Ohno’s finger meant it the picture was taken after they were married. Nino’s stomach churned the photo slipping out of his grip landing on the floor with a loud smash, he heard the front door open and he knew the waiter was back. He couldn’t understand what was going on, he just kept staring at the photo with the smashed glass
"Kazu? Are you still here?" Matsu was asking close to the room he was in, the door opened and light came in spilling on Nino and the smashed photo, Matsu saw it his eyes widening "Shit, Kazu I can explain…"

A/N: This is sort of the fic ‘tainted’ I wrote on holiday but as I was editing it, it morphed into this… I’m sorry if it’s weird… Hope you like it ^.^